Recently, I have had the pleasure of articulating the reasons myself and other kinksters have experienced profound states of release, and an overall sense of wholeness and healing thru the practices of BDSM. I understand that If you haven’t tried it, or even if you had negative experiences being dominated (in any capacity) you may not be inclined towards kink. It can be terrifying to surrender your body, mind and spirit over to the care, or in this case, twisted care of another. And as a professional dominant, I can assure you, care, compassion, and consent are at the heart of any good BDSM scene.
Ironically it is my experience as a submissive that has empowered me to become the dominant, empowered woman I am today. Hence, it is also why I have an incredible amount of respect and admiration for my submissive clients. I have been at the mercy of a paddle begging for more; I have been cut open, spilling my blood in sacrifice; I have been suspended helplessly from a hook, surrendering my body, mind and heart.
At times, it has felt the more I submitted, the more empowered I felt in my daily life.
As a sexual assault survivor it became imperative for me to have deep trust and vulnerability built into sexual and erotic experiences. I needed to learn to release control on a deep visceral level, changing the imprint past trauma had marked me with on a cellular level. I needed new marks - new associations with pain and power.
However, it wasn’t long before I knew I needed to be on the other end of the whip. Hence my career as a professional dominant was born, ever increasing my respect for consent and safety.
I believe in the power of attraction and calling in what serves you. I believe my background as a survivor of sexual assault and my framework of approaching kink thru a healing lens attracts clients who want that experience. Some knowingly, others subconsciously. Those that have known about past traumas, and have come ready to process them, have often found tremendous healing.
Still, it is confusing - a paradox even:
How can being beaten, stripped of your power, and hurt result in healing?
It all starts with trust. Which is why all my sessions begin with a series of questions about your known boundaries and limits, as well as your desires and fantasies. When we engage in informed consent we empower each other to fully express ourselves authentically and honestly. We also create a container to open safely, knowing the other person knows and is agreeing to respect our boundaries. The safer we feel, the more we can open.
I had a client come to me for some intense nipple torture, golden showers, and some light verbal degradation. He was in the middle of processing early childhood abuse from his mother who had physically and verbally assaulted him. I asked him what parts of his body were off limits and he explained while he wanted his nipples to be played with, he didn’t want any touch in the center of his chest. As we began to play and I brought my hands close to his nipples, he began to curl up; his hands becoming fists rising off the ground getting ready to protect his chest. I encouraged him to continue to curl up, to follow the impulse to protect himself, all the while assuring him I would not be hurting him. The irony was, I was hurting him, but with his consent and on the parts of his body we had negotiated.
This is everything for a trauma survivor. This is the moment the brain senses the old familiar feeling of pain, terror, helplessness, and learns to override it with a sense of pleasure, trust, and safety. In fact, the place in our brain that senses pleasure is very close to the part of our brain that senses pain. Some might even say pleasure and pain are two sides of the same coin.
A rewiring of the brain takes place. New pathways of trust, care and wholeness are created in the place of what was once abuse. This is the magic of kink - the holy paradox of bringing such darkness to light.
The same healing takes place for those parts of ourselves we hide in shame, fear or neglect. We all hold fear, pain and shame around our sexuality - unfortunately there is no shortage of shaming and condemning of sexual and erotic energy in our society. Whether it is an overt trauma or insidious subtle messaging that your fantasy or behavior is “slutty”, “dirty” or promiscuous, these hurts keep us from experiencing our full, liberated selves.
I believe it is possible to experience true liberation within ourselves and feel into our deepest desires. A way to explore the deepest darkest parts of ourselves, release our shame, and uncover our truths. I see myself as a guide in this journey - a devoted ally to your healing and reemergence.
I’m not the only one who has experienced the profound effects of what I like to call erotic medicine. For more reading, please check out my friend and colleague, Mistress Couple, Head Mistress of La Domaine Esemar, the world’s oldest BDSM training chateau, and her most recent article on the topic.
If you’re still skeptical, this article in GO Mag also offers more perspective and experience.
In shameless love and pain,